Bad Mom Thoughts…

My dirty little dark secret.

PSA: If you have pent up anger about not feeling like you are the favorite child, please do not read this.

Ok you guys, I am spilling all the beans here, mainly because I just need to get it out. I am also hoping my children never read this. It could get heated. It is going to be brutally honest, so lets begin..

It is a Friday morning and we have just finished our 5th meltdown of the week. If you are any good at math, you would have concluded that every day this week, it has been a battle royal in the am. I am not just talking kid meltdown, I am talking mom and kid meltdown. And nothing is more enjoyable than losing it, being told you are mean, tears flowing and dropping off the kid at daycare saying, “Have a nice day, see you tonight!”

Let’s backtrack to the fact that I have two children and I am only discussing one here. My other child is dressed, in the car, waiting for us to figure our shit out so we can move on with the day. Let’s say he is the agreeable, majority of the time, one, who listens to what I have to say, for the most part. Whines a bit, but gets over it pretty quickly and just tells me I am being rude for making him do something he thinks to be too inconvenient.

And here it goes…

How do I not pick a favorite child in these moments? Who can actually truthfully say they do not have a favorite child ever? Oh god, I said it. I am going to parenting hell. We are not actually allowed to say this out loud, right?! Is this some cruel trick the universe has played on me? Why would I (well I guess my husband and I) create one child who I routinely squabble with and one that just goes with the flow. Hello, it is just setting me up for failure!

Just for all you people who are reading this and wondering how I could even think/ say these things, let me assure you, I love both my kids equally. I could actually not love them anymore. That is probably a lie. My love for them grows deeper with every “I love you, mommy” and every kiss on their head before bed. But sometimes, I just don’t like one of them and it is not fair because he tells me that, but I am not allowed to tell him that (nor would I ever because then I really should not even be allowed kids).

Cue the mom guilt!

And so, here is just something else for me to feel guilty about. Am I favoring one child too much? Not intentionally, but subconsciously? Probably! Am I the reason we fight all the time? Possibly! Maybe if I just had my shit together, we would not have to be rushing out the door for our day, causing a stage 3 meltdown?! Maybe he is just going to grow up to be a lawyer and I just have to endure the brunt of his personality for the time being. Then, one day, I can make him buy me trips with all his moneys for what he put us through in his earlier years. Quite possibly, we are just the same person and one of us has to win whichever battle we are entering! That would be too much psychoanalysis on my part though, and I am not here for that yet!

So more importantly, can my kids read this in the way I parent? Maybe! So how can I use this to my advantage for him to just do better and be better so he can win and be the favorite child?

Ok, jokes, that is not fair to him and duh, obviously I know that no child should ever feel that way. But my biggest fear is they may feel this themselves. Which, if you think about it, it is kind of like I am handing out 2 participant ribbons to participate in being my child. Maybe one should get a red ribbon and one should end up with a blue ribbon. Life is a competition kids and here is your first lesson. Buckle up!

I just know once our boys are older this will be something he will be conversing with his therapist about.

Does anyone else do this?

It is a fun game I like to play at night called, “Will this or that be brought up in therapy years from now?” Better yet, “Will I raise children that will need therapy because their mom messed up their mental state so bad?” This is a good moment to reiterate that I think cognitive therapy is beneficial and sometimes essential for everyone. The trick is getting there before you have to word vomit years of struggles all over the therapist and try to untangle your life.

Ok, E-card I get it, I am just saying that sometimes this is easier said than done. It is not like I am intentionally picking one over the other or that I do not feel bad about it. It is just that this is how things are currently being played out.

And here is what I am going to do about it!

We have a long weekend coming up. So, we are going to spend some quality 1:1 time together. On Monday, we are going to plan out the following weeks clothes, and we are going to make lunches together at night, every night.

And if this does not work, well then, we are screwed and this is our destiny! It is a really good thing he is cute because sometimes I think he just likes seeing me spiral out of control. Like yanking a piece of gum out of his mouth that he just put in, when I have told him for the 19th time to put the pair of socks on, that are sitting right beside him.

People ask all the time “How’s life lately?” and we sputter out “Great!”, “Fantastic!”, “Never been better!” Well, I know you guys did not ask but there it is.

Living the dream one bad mom, guilty thought at a time!

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